When I Was 18

18 years old, you looked just like a movie star

18 years old, I’ve been here forever

18 and you were going to take me away from here

See you were different

You were a man

You were from a foreign country

You were from Illinois

You looked so handsome in your uniform

My hero in your uniform

I was warned you told me you were catholic

It was going to be my first time

I could learn to love you

I could learn to love your dreams

Scared I know I've got to go

I knew I had to leave

You looked just like a movie star

Quiet my prince you were always so quiet

When the light got dark

With your arms around me to keep me warm

I could feel your breath on the back of my neck

Like a dream you were all I ever wanted

I didn’t know I could dream

I didn’t know I could really dream

You are never home

TV and children, TV and our children

The loneliness started to grow

The loneliness stared to send me back

Do you have to work again tonight?

Why must I feel like a little girl again?

Please come home I miss you so

Don’t you understand I just want someone to talk to?

Your silence became our silence

No we never talk at all

The world is laughing at me

I feel betrayed

What did I do?

If I could just lose a few more pounds

I raised your children, I love them so

But I want your arms around me again

Just listen to me; just listen to my tear drops

I gave you everything, now isn’t that what I’m suppose to do

To make your life complete, I’ll make my life complete

This longing feeling just won’t go away

Now I fill my life with meaningless exercises

Vacuuming the floor for 16 hours, I can’t stand to hear myself feel

You looked just like a movie star

What do I do now….what do I do now

Trying hard to hang on to all the memories

Our children are starting to have children

Your shoes are in the front closet, where you left them

And the cable man called, we can get HBO free this week

I left your dinner in the refrigerator

Will you open up this jar of aspirin?

My head is splitting

I forgive you; I forgive you, but why, but why

I was never allowed to want

I was never allowed to dream

I am to old to dream, can you please teach me to dream

It gets so cold in Illinois

I miss the Georgia clay

I miss you daddy

Mother do you still love me

Will there always be a home for me there

Or is my home here

Where the winters last six months

And the long distance phone calls become my lifeline

You looked just like a movie star

James Gautier © Los Angeles 2006

JAMES GAUTIER

Martha

Sometimes I wish I was married and my wife’s name was Martha

Just so I could say hey Martha, come take a look at this

I think my life would be complete if I could just say holy shit Martha, look at this

The blood, Martha looked at the blood

Jesus Martha isn’t that disgusting?

I mean, will you just look at that

Woody Allen’s life goes down the drain and I want to watch

And I keep thinking

Martha, Martha can you believe this

I just can’t believe it

It is so painful to watch

Don’t you think so Martha?

Hey smell this

Does this smell bad to you?

Look at that scab

Look at the pus

No time like the present to share in someone else’s misfortune

Hey Martha slow down take a look at that

Do you think maybe they are dead?

Hey did you see the shattered glass?

Did you see the brain?  Was that the brain?

Dripping down the side of the…

Shut up, that is disgusting

I know, but I know, but I know

But, it is cool

Hey Martha, holy shit, did you see that?

That guy looked just like that guy

On America’s most wanted

Martha I don’t feel good

I don’t have anything to wear

I want to be an asshole

Oh Martha, let me be an asshole

Or at least let me whine

Martha, Martha, Martha, Martha,

Am I getting on your nerves?

Am I getting underneath your skin?

Hey did you tape the Simpsons?

God damn it

Did you get the salt free crackers?

You know I don’t like the other kind

I’m trying to cut down on salt

All we ever do, all we ever do is nothing

Oh Martha I love you

Not now Martha, can’t you see I’m busy

Martha, Martha don’t put so much mayo on my sandwich

Is that asking too much?

Hey Martha, come take a look at this

The neighbors’ dog is fucking

Hey Martha, they are really going at it

Don’t you think, don’t you think

Hey Martha, they are your fucking kids

How am I supposed to take a nap?

With those fucking kids running around like wild fucking animals?

Get off the phone, who in the hell?

Do you think I am made of money?

Hey kids your mother thinks I’m made of money

Hey kids look at this

Look at your mommy

Doesn’t mommy look angry?

Put the knife down Martha, no really Martha talk as long as you want

Dip the whole sandwich in mayo

Fuck Martha make a mayo sandwich and call your sister in Florida

Talk for hours and hours thank you, thank you

Now relax, that’s it, take it easy

Its okay

Hey Martha come take a look at this

Hey Martha, where are my shoes?

Hey Martha

Hey Martha, where are you?

You can’t leave

Those midnight rides through all your lonely memories

And all I care about is getting something to eat and a once a month fuck

And I’m sure this is the way it is supposed to be

Hey Martha, what’s wrong?

What in the hell did I do?

What in the fuck in the hell do you do all day?

Hey Martha, most people think you got it made

Now I bought you a god dam dishwasher

And how about that new TV with the remote control?

Don’t give this I want a life crap

What have you been reading?

You’ve been hanging around all those old bags too long

Hey Martha, what do you want from me?

Hey is there anything you want from me?

Martha, you’ve’ been watching too much Oprah

Okay Martha, I’m a boy who needs to shave and you’re my mommy

So come on mommy take a look at this

James Gautier © Los Angeles 2006

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